My First Scuba Dive Ever - Dying To Try Or Trying to Die

The love of adventure, for doing things never done keeps me visiting my deepest fears and strengths I never knew I possessed in the pits of my stomach. 

So right from Bungee Jumping from a decent height of 45 Mt's, going on India's longest flying fox 1250 ft., going on some deranged water activities in Konkan to some other stuff, your girl has braved it guys and believe me I was crazy scared before every one of them. 

I feel a year older should also mean a new thing accomplished or learnt, tried or in my case many a times torturing myself to the finish line. Why ? because Why not ? 

Life is short, there is so much to learn and experience, so little time and to top it all Dar ke aage Jeet hoti hai my friend - filmy enough.

So here I am in that same phase again. This year what will it be .. Que será, será
Whatever will be, will be .. the future's not ours to see.. So I just let it be.

We have been meaning to go scuba diving since a long time ( sky diving, bike riding to Ladakh and many other crazy things) , so on our Bali trip the first thing I arranged was for our very first dive. 

Hubby dear oblivious to the growing rumbling in my tummy and sweaty hands and feet literally (not just Bali heat you see) shared his excitement on every passing minute of how he was dying to try it and I was dying inside every minute as it got closer not to try it.

My fear of deep water was resurfacing and my head was just swinging side to side bobbing away in sheer nothingness while hubby thought I was responding to him. As we got in the pool for our training, that was the first time I flipped under the hand of the trainer as fear reared its ugly head as soon as I went under water. Hubby completed his training in one go as smoothly as a shark cutting through water and looked effortlessly handsome and calm if I may add.

On the other hand I struggled just like a fish without water (jal bin machli) exactly the same way if you can picturise only difference being I was in water (definitelynot a pretty sight). Finally somehow the trainer gave us a go ahead was it out of sheer boredom of me being in water with him doing my whole jal bin machli thing. Anyhow as we embarked on the boat which was taking us to the diving site with our fellow divers who were really young honeymooning couples hung up on love. I asked them was it their first time, did they know swimming, their answers satisfied me - they didn't know swimming and it was their first time - all just like me. However they appeared cool as a cucumber in this increasing Bali heat. I thought to myself how young and oblivious to the world in foolish love they were, here was I dying on the inside too proud to say anything to my hubby now that was for love too (so now I should I say not so young still ever so foolishly in love) I didn't want to hassle him. In my head I still thought wait till these people get in the sea then I will have some company to my fear, now fear my friends doesn't do too great alone, it seeks company of others fear to console itself to feed on.  

Today wasn't my lucky day. Nil company for my fear and me, no luck. 

What so happens, is often times when Fear is all alone which does happen in the darkest of times and then boom it multiplies, it flips on more in the loneliness, rears its ugly head even higher and before you know its a giant of the most gigantic magnitude - The Fear Monster. I was battling with this demon oblivious to the beautiful blue water and gorgeous sunny day and amazing instructors. Now as awesome as the trainers were the jerks chose me to go first. They tied crazy weight on me- hello this was never mentioned in the training, I could hardly balance myself or stand up straight in that bobbing boat and they tell me coolly to walk to the dive point of the boat. Now that my friends was the wobbliest walk in my entire life, no amount of tequila or Rum and coke ever devoured gave me that stance and people believe me when I say this that I have had my fair share, yet here I was doing my life's biggest no alcohol alcoholic dance with a fearful trance. Does that even make sense, oh well it never made any sense to me that time too.

I was gonna fall down any minute, as I sat on the edge waiting for my dive with all the equipment safely attached, they told me to let go off myself with my back to the water, at this point I was freaking out, I just couldn't let go, I held on more tightly till my knuckles turned white, my heart was racing, I could feel my pulse and with all that weight my sweaty hands were giving in and I was loosing my grip. It was like I was falling to my death and I did fall in the cold water, forgot to breathe, forgot to do everything I was supposed to, I was frantic the trainer tried his best to calm me down, knock some sense into me at that point I felt like knocking him off and I am sure he felt like drowning me (crazy stupid scared girl). 

A little composure later I was fine just snorkeling there but whenever he tried to take me down below I would flip. I would do these crazy possessed woman gestures to go up and then after going up I would be like I want to get out. This happened a couple of times and then my trainer at the end of his wits was like what's your problem lady (I am so sure he wanted to toss a f#@$ing somewhere in the middle ). Yeah. 

The thing was he used to guide me down with light pressure on my head where as I used to get the feeling of he drowning me. To think of it he was just helping me and I was thinking he wants to cause me harm. Natural reflex isn't this the same thing in life, we can't trust easily. We don't trust someone who is helping us. Is that a societal thing today that is ingrained deeply in our mind - Not to let anyone in, be cautious of someone helping you, never to trust, too scared to ask or take help. huh. 

My trainer persisted, call it human tendency or his professionalism or just a good heart who wanted to genuinely help me experience something so beautiful to overcome my fear. 

He dragged me down again, this time I just gave into my fear, it was the same every time, me struggling, telling to go up, then they getting me down again and it just continued again and again. Eventually I got tired of the pattern, of the fear. Even before me the trainer did they stopped taking me up even if I signed I want to go up cause even they realized it were just mind games. So I had no choice I realized, so might as well look around, I gathered all my strength to calm down and started watching the sea life it was beautiful, so peaceful even though there was a storm raging inside me, the colourful fish, the ocean bed, the corals they had a calming effect. Beautiful ocean life as surreal as it gets.

I realized I was fine till I was left to myself I got hyper when they forced me to do anything or guide me. I saw those happy couples posing away, my hubby was somewhere scuba diving by himself since I had taken our trainer all to myself not letting him go. Well there were other trainers keeping an eye but generally he was happy to be on his own without some drama for a change. After some time we went upstairs and then my trainer spoke something in Balinese with the other guy and then he tells me we have to go down again as I have to take your photos. I love photos, you guys must be knowing that by now. I can take photos for hours. I am obsessed in the literal sense.

However I surprised myself when I replied to him - I don't want any photos just take me out and he goes like just some minutes madam - photo taking . And to my horror dragged me down again. My husband posed and lovingly looked at me and for the second time in my entire life (first time was our wedding reception, well that's another story- this would be the second time )I was like please get done with this will you in my mind. I couldn't speak right or else I would have screamt. I did enjoy it in bits when we were just swimming aimlessly looking at those creatures before we came out. After coming out in the sun I just wanted to kiss the boat floor and I literally did thanks to the weight attached to me. 

Sitting in the boat shell shocked smiling at my husband as the boat took us back to land.

After a cold shower to wash all that fear down, I actually realised what I had done and was laughing over all this over some chilled Bintangs and Nasi Goreng overlooking the sea whilst the breeze blew ever so gently as I narrated what hell broke loose over them to my hubby dear. 

First time after coming here I took the scene in, the blue water and the calming sea. Deep breathe. Well now from far especially when my ordeal was over the sea did look calming and enticing. In my defence not that I have to present one or owe one but still - I still went, scuba dived and I did enjoy well now I realise. It was amazing and the biggest thing was in spite of all this fear I did it. I am sure now that all this drama is out of the way my next dive wont be so what do you say troublesome (I am quite handful, but I do get there in the end, now that's the fun the journey and everything in between. I do wish every time to get over my phobia of the deep water. I am taking baby steps. Will reach their eventually. Who knows some day a padi certificate also may be.. life's too unpredictable and so am I now. 

Beach shorts                                  

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Dear Land, how I love you.

Check out my snorkeling video, let me know if you could spot how frozen scared I was.

Until I dive into our next adventure. 

xoxo

Bhakti 

🌸🧜‍♀️🏝

P.S We booked our scuba diving experience through Klook online. 
We went to the Bintang Beach Club for the same. Amazing experience and professional trainers. 
You can also directly book through them.
This is in no way a sponsored post, we have paid for everything, just sharing our experience. 
Tip - For snorkeling experience buy your snorkel set and take it for travels, falls out to be much cheaper and hygienic. You can snorkel anywhere in shallow sea too near your resort for free.


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